I’ve been gone for quite some time. I apologize for that. Seems that I couldn’t quite make up my mind to where I was standing. Was I depressed? Wasn’t I? Should I crawl in bed? Is it just for sleep? Two teenagers home from school made the thought process even more difficult. I can honestly say, I don’t know where I’ve been. That is, until my dad had a heart attack. Than I found my feet and my bent knees were still holding me up. Somehow.
I was struggling since my last writing with where I was standing. I did experience a few moments(rare) of real clarity. That was an awesome experience. I suddenly felt what it must feel like to live an every day life that is not necessarily mine. Everything seemed normal, whatever that might be. I felt calm. I wasn’t overly worried, or maybe, worried at all. There was no anxiety. I wasn’t concerned with what other’s were thinking, but not in what I would deem a selfish way. It was nice. My therapist tells me to hold on to those moments, however brief, so that I can remind myself they do exist.
The rest of the time, outside of those brief moments, I was on the fence. Somewhere in between real depression and no depression. With my chronic illness sometimes causing similar symptoms of my depression it can be very confusing. I felt somewhat disheveled. Was I tired because I was actually tired(chronic illness) or because I just wanted to sleep(depression)? Was my lethargy because of the depression or the chronic illness? I was in a place where I couldn’t decipher which was which. Probably because I haven’t been outside of the depression for long periods of time.
Seems funny to say that. You would think you are either in or you are out of depression but there is no middle ground. The thing is there is an in between spot. Hopefully it lasts briefly. It’s where you don’t quite feel well, but you don’t necessarily feel bad either. It’s as the saying goes, you are getting your feet wet, feeling the water. Sitting on a fence with my feet on either side is the vision I thought of myself during this time. I could go either way. Sometimes I tilted to the better side. Sometimes the darker side. I wasn’t so far in the deep that I couldn’t get out. I, also, wasn’t so far in the good that I couldn’t fall back in to the other side.
Don’t get me wrong. I managed to still get things done. I went and worked out. I stayed focused, for the most part, on getting healthy. I was frustrated for not seeing those results, but that didn’t make me depressed. I’m not sure, even after all these years, why I plummet into depression. It isn’t always what is happening in life that causes it to unfold and grasp you in it’s awaiting arms.
Than, while trying to keep my balance, my dad had a heart attack. We spent two days in the hospital between finding out what happened and fixing it the best they could(with a stent). It was two very long days, especially since I lost my mom during the same procedure he was now having. My dad is a young 66 year old. I definitely wasn’t ready to let him go.
During this time, I felt mostly numb. Chin up kind of thing. Time to really feel is always later when something like this is happening. Every once in awhile tears would creep, but I would hush them and push them away. I found myself irritable, something I don’t experience often. Once it was over and he was safe, I rejoiced and, then, I collapsed.
I spent the next week struggling to stay out of bed. I should have been happy, not depressed(that’s what I mean about life events). I should have been doing the proverbial cartwheel. I couldn’t. Instead, all the weeks of not quite knowing where I was standing depression wise, if I was safe, bombarded me. I fell into the depression. It was mucky and I worked hard to get out and that is why I am here writing. I found my way out.
I know that the depression will always lurk, even during seemingly happy times. That is how my body responds to stress. Learned behavior or not, doesn’t matter. I do not pick the times, the times pick me. I try to respond the way others may respond, but that isn’t, necessarily, going to happen. It’s taken a long time but I learned what to expect and how to deal with this anomaly(I truly believe it is that). Somewhere in there I am truly learning to accept me, warts and all. As it is, right now, I’m happy to be toddling on that fence again.