Okay, who have you judged or harmed today? What assumptions have you made? Sometimes best intentions carry the worst results. Regardless of what you wanted or meant.
In some ways, today is that day for me. Though the harm unintentionally came from me, the judgement was not mine to give. I felt no judgement towards anyone. I definitely felt it directed towards me. It was over something I wrote, apparently. Something I wrote without ill will. It carried, mainly, events of my past, that I shared for readers to relate too. It was my hope that by sharing this experience, other’s could benefit and learn something.
What the writing wasn’t, was a judgement of the decisions made of my past. I treasure every part of my life, though I may not have liked it all. I look at it as a learning tool, an adventure. I carry stories, both good and bad, with me everywhere I go. I am not going to rosy them up. Unfortunately, it has never been in me to do that. Most of the time, I look at it as just a fact of my life. I had better remember it. God gave me that tool. This is what I believe.
Unfortunately, I have been told, that the people I love and respect, felt it was written against them. As if they should carry shame or blame. I do not look at it that way. I do not feel they should be ashamed or held to blame. We are all human. I have not made perfect choices. They may not have made perfect choices. Let’s not focus on the imperfection, but on the words that made up the rest of the story. Let’s focus on the love. It is a fact of life that there are things we may not like about ourselves. Just because I remember things does not mean I hold blame or accusations. They were facts as I saw them and they made me who I am today. It is part of my imperfection. It is a part of what God made.
How can I hate or hold grudges against the people who helped bring me to where I am today? How could they believe that that would be my intentions? Regardless, of what they may believe, I hold myself responsible for me. I am not angry at them. I bear no judgement towards them, so why do they hold judgement against me? For telling my story? For not painting it rosy? But who does that help if I paint my life perfect? It does not help me. It forgets a part of me. Should I hide my imperfect self? From what I am told, God loves all of me. He has shown me great forgiveness, and I have tried to do right by him. But I am not perfect. I never will be. According to God, this is all right. So why do I feel so horrible for remembering the “bad” as well as the good? For talking about it? It’s like saying that the bad things I have done and that have been done to me, they should be hidden and I should hold shame. I can bear the shame. I try not to repeat it.
The First Testament of the Bible, tells of God’s harsh punishments for the life that was led. Do we read that and decide that God is bad? There were famines, locusts, the flood, and, yet, we stand by God and we are grateful. Why can’t it be like that for me? Why can’t I write about the “famines, locusts, flood” and still be grateful for the love I received and the person it helped me become? After the flood, God swore he would no longer punish that way. We learned by his teaching. We did not hold him in contempt. We read it and we try to live by his teachings. We know he promised no more floods, yet we still try to live by his guidance. He promised not to spank us anymore, and we still loved him. More important, we loved him despite the famine, locusts, and flood. Am I to forget the First Testament simply because it does not paint a rosy picture? NO! I am to learn from it and be thankful. Why? Because this is life. This is what he told us and promised us. I had three human parents in my life. For this I was blessed. Just like I know I was blessed by the famine, the locusts, and the flood. They taught me, it taught them. We are all blessed.
So, I will not forget my past. I will not paint pretty words to make everyone “feel” comfortable. I will write what is in my heart and in my mind. These are what the people before me taught me. Do not hold yourself back for fear of your own shortcomings. Feel free to speak out loud. Know that, more than it doesn’t, it frees you…and I will be free…one day. These people before me held horrible stories, but they overcame. They were better. I hope I am “better”, but I am not so sure.
My story wasn’t about the so-called “bad” they did. It was about learning how a child felt and making a difference for the future. It was about stepping beyond what you were taught, and making a better life for someone else. Not for myself. My parent’s moved beyond the judgments they received. They taught me to do the same, regardless of the naysayers. All three of them showed me how to reach out. I was blessed by this. It is unfortunate if they do not see that I feel this way towards them. Because, they are the good in me. This I know.