Out of my darkness, that is what I am hoping for. I have suffered from depression for the majority of my life. It is how my body reacts to stress. Add that to my chronic medical conditions and you have a mess of irrational tears. This is why I have not been posting for awhile. The things I like to do get pushed off to the side and living becomes a chore. I can understand why this attitude would sound selfish to some. I don’t like it. I am trying to dig myself out of it, despite the obstacles I know exist.
First, it is important to realize that I do not believe my life is any harder then anyone else’s. I think that there is much I have to be thankful for. I believe I have more to be thankful for then to not be happy about. That is what kills me at times. It is one thing to know your life sucks and feel that way, it is another to know that it isn’t all that bad and feel as if you are dying or wanting to die. I realize when I have absolutely no reason to feel as down as I do and feel helpless when I am unable to change the feeling. It should be easy to just adjust my attitude, if my thoughts were rational. However, during depressive episodes, rational isn’t an option.
I have people point out other’s who are worse off, all in an effort to show me my blessings. The problem with this is that I realize my blessings, and hearing of other’s hardships only increases my sadness. I want to be able to help. I want to take their sadness away, and, yes, I feel guilt for my original sadness. A bombing can happen on the other side of the world and I feel sadness for this. Empathy is great unless it is allowed to overwhelm you. I want to be able to put everything into neat, little, categories. I’d love to put them aside. I want to experience joy the way I experience sadness, but my body will not allow it. Too much guilt.
I want to know how people walk around and do normal things without life effecting them as it effects me. How do they go on through their normal days? I want to be able to do that. My husband can. My sister can. Why can’t I? Why do I allow it to hurt more then heal? It’s not like other people don’t have tragedies. Yet, everyday they get up and keep moving without allowing the sadness to overwhelm them. I would like that to happen. I have seriously considered electric shock therapy just to stop the way my thoughts and body react to everyday life. It’s not fair to my family or friends.
Depression is a killer of many things, life, hope, happiness. At this point, it serves no purpose. At least, none that I can see. I believe in God, in a higher purpose. I do not see my depression as serving the higher purpose. I do not believe God would want me to stay this way. He knows my struggles. He has heard my prayers. I don’t expect him to fix it because I believe in free will. I know he gives me choices. I know he can’t be happy with some of the ones I have had to make. It has been my faith in God that has helped keep me alive. Besides, in small and large ways, it seems he puts things around me to show me what I need to live for.
There is my faith, it shows me that suicide is not the answer. Though it shows me that, I do not believe God to be unforgiving. I can not, or will not, believe that he would punish someone who could not see the light. Someone who was already suffering and simply could not make it pass their grief. Then, there is the belief that life is valuable and that I should not destroy it. My family, friends, pets, etc., all weigh in on why I need to hang on. My husband has been invaluable over the years. It simply hasn’t been fair to them. So, in actuality, I have not been fair to them by having this depression overwhelm my life.
This is what I don’t get, how can I believe so much in life and feel as though I want to give it up at the same time? This doesn’t make sense. I would be the first to push someone on, to help them out, but I can’t seem to do the same for me. I will still find humor through my tears, but I can’t shake the feeling of doom.
I’m frozen in place. I can not step out of what has become my comfort zone. That’s what it may boil down to and writing this has brought me to see. Depression is what I know. It is, horrible or not, what I am comfortable with. It is what I know and am safe in (though, some dark days are not safe). I need to find a way out of this comfort zone, there is a whole world out there. I need to find my way to the person I want to be not just the person I have been. I have to figure out why I am stopping myself. I do not believe this is what God wants. I know it is not what my family and friends want. Deep down, even in the darkness, I know it is not what I want.
Depression has been an overwhelming part of my life. I am trying to find my way out and I am hoping that other’s may contribute to this particular blog about their struggles and/or solutions to their’s or another’s darkness. I believe the only way out of darkness is to step up to it, to show it no fear. It’s been a way of life for far too long to continue this way. Perhaps it isn’t only the people around me who deserves more from myself, but me who does.