In The Darkness

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Out of my darkness, that is what I am hoping for. I have suffered from depression for the majority of my life. It is how my body reacts to stress. Add that to my chronic medical conditions and you have a mess of irrational tears. This is why I have not been posting for awhile. The things I like to do get pushed off to the side and living becomes a chore. I can understand why this attitude would sound selfish to some. I don’t like it. I am trying to dig myself out of it, despite the obstacles I know exist.

First, it is important to realize that I do not believe my life is any harder then anyone else’s. I think that there is much I have to be thankful for. I believe I have more to be thankful for then to not be happy about. That is what kills me at times. It is one thing to know your life sucks and feel that way, it is another to know that it isn’t all that bad and feel as if you are dying or wanting to die. I realize when I have absolutely no reason to feel as down as I do and feel helpless when I am unable to change the feeling. It should be easy to just adjust my attitude, if my thoughts were rational. However, during depressive episodes, rational isn’t an option.

I have people point out other’s who are worse off, all in an effort to show me my blessings. The problem with this is that I realize my blessings, and hearing of other’s hardships only increases my sadness. I want to be able to help. I want to take their sadness away, and, yes, I feel guilt for my original sadness. A bombing can happen on the other side of the world and I feel sadness for this. Empathy is great unless it is allowed to overwhelm you. I want to be able to put everything into neat, little, categories. I’d love to put them aside. I want to experience joy the way I experience sadness, but my body will not allow it. Too much guilt.

I want to know how people walk around and do normal things without life effecting them as it effects me. How do they go on through their normal days? I want to be able to do that. My husband can. My sister can. Why can’t I? Why do I allow it to hurt more then heal? It’s not like other people don’t have tragedies. Yet, everyday they get up and keep moving without allowing the sadness to overwhelm them. I would like that to happen. I have seriously considered electric shock therapy just to stop the way my thoughts and body react to everyday life. It’s not fair to my family or friends.

Depression is a killer of many things, life, hope, happiness. At this point, it serves no purpose. At least, none that I can see. I believe in God, in a higher purpose. I do not see my depression as serving the higher purpose. I do not believe God would want me to stay this way. He knows my struggles. He has heard my prayers. I don’t expect him to fix it because I believe in free will. I know he gives me choices. I know he can’t be happy with some of the ones I have had to make. It has been my faith in God that has helped keep me alive. Besides, in small and large ways, it seems he puts things around me to show me what I need to live for.

There is my faith, it shows me that suicide is not the answer. Though it shows me that, I do not believe God to be unforgiving. I can not, or will not, believe that he would punish someone who could not see the light. Someone who was already suffering and simply could not make it pass their grief. Then, there is the belief that life is valuable and that I should not destroy it. My family, friends, pets, etc., all weigh in on why I need to hang on. My husband has been invaluable over the years. It simply hasn’t been fair to them. So, in actuality, I have not been fair to them by having this depression overwhelm my life.

This is what I don’t get, how can I believe so much in life and feel as though I want to give it up at the same time? This doesn’t make sense. I would be the first to push someone on, to help them out, but I can’t seem to do the same for me. I will still find humor through my tears, but I can’t shake the feeling of doom.

I’m frozen in place. I can not step out of what has become my comfort zone. That’s what it may boil down to and writing this has brought me to see. Depression is what I know. It is, horrible or not, what I am comfortable with. It is what I know and am safe in (though, some dark days are not safe). I need to find a way out of this comfort zone, there is a whole world out there. I need to find my way to the person I want to be not just the person I have been. I have to figure out why I am stopping myself. I do not believe this is what God wants. I know it is not what my family and friends want. Deep down, even in the darkness, I know it is not what I want.

Depression has been an overwhelming part of my life. I am trying to find my way out and I am hoping that other’s may contribute to this particular blog about their struggles and/or solutions to their’s or another’s darkness. I believe the only way out of darkness is to step up to it, to show it no fear. It’s been a way of life for far too long to continue this way. Perhaps it isn’t only the people around me who deserves more from myself, but me who does.

5 responses »

  1. Hello my darling ♥ I read this blog and for the last few hours have been pondering on it. Everything I am saying is coming from me, not a licensed professional. : ) The way I see it, mental illness is an illness. Am I right? And we do not decide whether or not we are ill. If we are, then we are responsible for it. I have known some people with mental illness that refuse to recognize there is a problem, and will not get proper treatment. That is irresponsible. It is not your fault you have it, but it is up to you how you respond to this illness. That being said, Britt, you are so much farther than you think. You may struggle with thoughts that bring you down, but you know the truth. You don’t have to surrender to your thoughts. You can accept them or reject them. Do you know there is a bible verse that says, “Take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor.10:5) That means, when a thought comes to you, and you know it to be false, or negative, you can refuse to dwell on those thoughts, feeding your negative emotions. Philippians 4:8 says, “8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ” Then your mind can think about good things, and your emotions can follow. I am not saying that you don’t do these things, but I have found it so helpful in my life. When I found those verses, I felt like I hit the jackpot! 🙂 I love you, dear sister. I am praying for you, as always. ♥ On the Philippians verse, if you look up each word in the dictionary, you will see it in a whole new way. By the way, verse 9 says, “9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” ♥

    • Yes, it is an illness. It is not a matter of accepting or rejecting at times. Some times, it just is looming over and I know the light exists but, maybe, just not for me. I try very hard to get out of and stay out of this darkness. I feel blessed despite it. It is important that you know that your words of kindness and your actions provide a great uplifting to me. I may not “miraculously” be cured, but it provides a sense of calm that I so desperately need to feel. Thank you for sharing the scripture and your thoughts. You are quite insightful. Thank you for that understanding. I love you too!
      By the way, thank you for not telling me to “get over it” as that has been the least useful thing I have heard in my entire life! 😉

  2. Hi Aunt Britt ❤ My heart hurts for you that you have to go through this much pain, you know I commented the other day how nice it is to know that you think of me from time to time and post such sweet things to my wall ❤ all of that is much appreciated! I want you to know that even though we aren't as close as we could be, I am still here! But as I was saying, It really does sadden me to know you are going through so much pain under your own skin, and instead of telling yourself this isn't what God would want, KNOW that it is not what God wants, try to picture your boys going through the same thing, and how sad that would make you because you have seen it first hand, now multiply that by oh I dont know a TRILLION and some and thats how sad God feels for you, but if you don't full hearted go to Him theres not much he can help you with. Remember never to feel ashamed, like Lyssa said its an illness, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer…go to Him in those dark moments, remember that it is the devil who puts these awful thoughts into your head, he wants you to be weak and he wants you to stumble. Jesus himself told the satan "get out of here" and its something that can work for you. I don't believe you need medication or anything of that sort, open up that bible you have and ENDULDGE ❤ and the first sign of evil thoughts SAY IT OUT LOUD "GET OUT OF HERE SATAN, I BELONG TO JESUS" scream it if you have too, it really does work! I love you very much and can't imagine what you are going through and again im sorry you have to struggle everyday, the good news, is you see ur blessings and you see what its doing to yourself and the people you love, so now take that jump into your bible and give yourself 100% to Jesus, and if that doesn't work, come see me lol. You have such a big heart, don't let it go to waste! We will all hold your hand through this! LOVE YOU xoxoxox

    • Nikki, thank you for your kind words of support. Unfortunately, my faith isn’t enough to stop the depression. I write things, sometimes, to get them out of my head and to help others who might be struggling. I’ve lived long enough with this to understand it’s ebb and flow and God’s place in all of it. Because it is an illness, I do take medication. I don’t want to imagine where I would be without it. It’s all part of my chemical makeup. I watch my boys for signs of this. Zac would seem the most vulnerable. As a parent, it is difficult to see pain in our children knowing that it may have been passed on by us. I do believe some of this is genetic. Seems to have run through both sides of my family in various degrees. Depression is a complex illness. I find it most difficult when I know I have nothing to be so dark about…when everything is going well, the stars are aligned, etc., and yet I am consumed with sadness. That’s the worse.
      I really liked your statement of “knowing” this is not what God would want. That made me smile, because it’s true. And, sometimes, it’s reminding that I need. 😉 I love you too!

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