Weight Distress

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I am the heaviest I have ever been. I do not know how to handle this weight. I’ve tried exercising, dieting, fads, all to no avail. The pounds refuse to drop off and it is a constant battle. Perhaps, if I didn’t have esteem issues, I could handle this better. I could fight or I could accept myself. I’m not sure that is going to happen. So many obstructing messages, that I am sure are not helping. When does it end?

There are several points against me making it automatically difficult for me to lose weight. Not impossible, just more difficult. When I was under 30, I could fast for a day and lose ten pounds. Once I was over thirty, and the older I got, it would seem that I gain ten pounds when fasting a day. I know that I being in my forties, that’s a point against me. I have hypothyroidism, that’s a possible point though there tends to be differing views on that causing weight gain. I have an autonomic system disorder that causes me to be exercise intolerant(more on that later), that’s another point against me. Depression doesn’t help, neither does the medicine I take for it. It doesn’t always cause me to eat more, but it does tend to increase the weight. I’ve also been under a lot of stress over this last year and cortisol can effect your metabolism. None of these are excuses. I just have to try harder than I ever have to lose the weight I’ve gained.

If you would have asked me when I was younger, I would have told you there was absolutely no way that I would ever be fat. I had been pre-anorexic. My thoughts just would not let me eat. Wherever I heard the messages, my head told me that no one would ever want me if I was overweight(something that’s been proven wrong). That fat people are disgusting. Which is odd since there are overweight people in my life that I love immensely and have never thought that way about them. I do feel it about me.

I do not enjoy eating. I am very careful about what I eat. Some of those anorexic thoughts have never left, despite my weight. There are people I avoid eating around. I’m sure they think I eat a lot or have eaten a lot to get to this point. Problem is I haven’t. There was a small window in my life where I was able to eat and enjoy food. I still had eaten healthily, but everything about it was healthy. I didn’t deprive myself and I didn’t overdo it. It was probably the healthiest mind and body wise I had ever been. I actually enjoyed food. I enjoyed myself. I want to get back to that.

I see people who are considerably overweight and they seem comfortable in their own skin. Maybe they aren’t but that is how I perceive them. I see people who enjoy eating, skinny people, heavy people, and I envy them. Not people who over indulge. That still bothers me. It is people who have healthy self esteems that amaze me. I wonder what that would be like?

I have an autonomic nervous system disorder. It causes extreme fatigue, low blood pressure, exercise intolerance, to name a few things. I would exercise and my blood pressure would drop, knocking me out sometimes for days. Not a good thing with small children or as an incentive to work out. It has, mainly, been this illness that has held me back over the years. It is not that I need to eat less(probably should eat more), or eat healthier. What I need to do is exercise and get my metabolism back in order.

I can look at this all logically and rationally, but the way I look at myself is far from rational. I walk by a mirror and I see a fat, disgusting person. It’s funny how I once thought I was fat at 100 lbs., and now I am almost twice that. Can you imagine what my head must think? My thoughts do not help me. They antagonize me. I need to get beyond body image and realize my self-worth despite my body. I have to realize the good my body has done. It has given birth to two healthy boys. Even with bad health, the body is truly a marvel at what it can do.

I have to look at myself with eyes that realize I am more than my physical appearance. My goal should be to be healthy, not someone’s ideal body image. I need to beat out those negative thoughts, they are not helping me. I need to find that person I once was, despite my current health issues(which are not caused by my weight). I need to quit worrying about what others think, they probably have their own hang ups. What I really need to do is believe in me, no matter where my weight is at. That may be my only chance at losing it.

10 responses »

  1. Appreciating the time and effort you put into
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  2. Wow, I could have written this…except for the autonomic nervous system stuff. I feel very similar about myself. This is just an excellent post. You get right down to it and explain your feelings in such a way that anyone would completely understand how you feel. You also know what you need to do to get back to the person you want to be…the trick is knowing HOW to do those things. I am here to support you in any way that I can, even though we unfortunately do not live close to each other.

    • Nan, thank you for your sentiments. I think it isn’t just knowing how but having the courage, resilience, to actually follow through with them! Met with a nutritionist the other day to help me get through the issues I’m facing. Just another step in the right direction.

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