I am the heaviest I have ever been. I do not know how to handle this weight. I’ve tried exercising, dieting, fads, all to no avail. The pounds refuse to drop off and it is a constant battle. Perhaps, if I didn’t have esteem issues, I could handle this better. I could fight or I could accept myself. I’m not sure that is going to happen. So many obstructing messages, that I am sure are not helping. When does it end?

There are several points against me making it automatically difficult for me to lose weight. Not impossible, just more difficult. When I was under 30, I could fast for a day and lose ten pounds. Once I was over thirty, and the older I got, it would seem that I gain ten pounds when fasting a day. I know that I being in my forties, that’s a point against me. I have hypothyroidism, that’s a possible point though there tends to be differing views on that causing weight gain. I have an autonomic system disorder that causes me to be exercise intolerant(more on that later), that’s another point against me. Depression doesn’t help, neither does the medicine I take for it. It doesn’t always cause me to eat more, but it does tend to increase the weight. I’ve also been under a lot of stress over this last year and cortisol can effect your metabolism. None of these are excuses. I just have to try harder than I ever have to lose the weight I’ve gained.

If you would have asked me when I was younger, I would have told you there was absolutely no way that I would ever be fat. I had been pre-anorexic. My thoughts just would not let me eat. Wherever I heard the messages, my head told me that no one would ever want me if I was overweight(something that’s been proven wrong). That fat people are disgusting. Which is odd since there are overweight people in my life that I love immensely and have never thought that way about them. I do feel it about me.

I do not enjoy eating. I am very careful about what I eat. Some of those anorexic thoughts have never left, despite my weight. There are people I avoid eating around. I’m sure they think I eat a lot or have eaten a lot to get to this point. Problem is I haven’t. There was a small window in my life where I was able to eat and enjoy food. I still had eaten healthily, but everything about it was healthy. I didn’t deprive myself and I didn’t overdo it. It was probably the healthiest mind and body wise I had ever been. I actually enjoyed food. I enjoyed myself. I want to get back to that.

I see people who are considerably overweight and they seem comfortable in their own skin. Maybe they aren’t but that is how I perceive them. I see people who enjoy eating, skinny people, heavy people, and I envy them. Not people who over indulge. That still bothers me. It is people who have healthy self esteems that amaze me. I wonder what that would be like?

I have an autonomic nervous system disorder. It causes extreme fatigue, low blood pressure, exercise intolerance, to name a few things. I would exercise and my blood pressure would drop, knocking me out sometimes for days. Not a good thing with small children or as an incentive to work out. It has, mainly, been this illness that has held me back over the years. It is not that I need to eat less(probably should eat more), or eat healthier. What I need to do is exercise and get my metabolism back in order.

I can look at this all logically and rationally, but the way I look at myself is far from rational. I walk by a mirror and I see a fat, disgusting person. It’s funny how I once thought I was fat at 100 lbs., and now I am almost twice that. Can you imagine what my head must think? My thoughts do not help me. They antagonize me. I need to get beyond body image and realize my self-worth despite my body. I have to realize the good my body has done. It has given birth to two healthy boys. Even with bad health, the body is truly a marvel at what it can do.

I have to look at myself with eyes that realize I am more than my physical appearance. My goal should be to be healthy, not someone’s ideal body image. I need to beat out those negative thoughts, they are not helping me. I need to find that person I once was, despite my current health issues(which are not caused by my weight). I need to quit worrying about what others think, they probably have their own hang ups. What I really need to do is believe in me, no matter where my weight is at. That may be my only chance at losing it.