Through My Door

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You can not enter through my front door. If I wanted to leave through that door, I would have to jump. No, really, it’s a physical fact. Somehow that brings me comfort, safety. We ripped out our ragged porch and are in the process of building a new one. That front door kept people away. It didn’t keep me in, but it helped me have to leave by the back door.

I am horrible at leaving my house or having visitors. Keep in mind, if someone came to my door(even using that dilapidated porch), I would not have turned them away. I would have been gracious to a fault, even though my heart would be beating rapidly.

There are too many things that have kept me in. My depression being the main thing. Fear of being hurt, another. Judgement for my person, upon leaving, or my home, upon inviting someone in. Ahh, judgement. The biggest fear of all.

You would think this fear would stem from my judgement of others. I could see how that could be misconstrued. It could be construed that I think I am self important that I should even consider someone is thinking of me. I think of them, why wouldn’t they think of me. Am I judging them? Not harshly, and not purposely.

Yes, I notice things. I notice how a person acts and looks. Why wouldn’t they notice that of me? But do I look down on them? No. So why do I think they would do that to me? Lack of self esteem, I am sure. The depression definitely doesn’t help there. It tells me I have no worth.

Rationally, I know that I have worth. That people do not (always) think negatively of me. I know that people aren’t quite particular with my own person or house as I am. That’s what it boils down to. I think that people will see what I see in me. Unfortunately, with the depression playing havoc with my thought patterns, right now that is not a good thing.

I hate leaving the house. My computer keeps me as connected as I want to be at this particular time. I do not need an open door. I like not having access. One day, though, I will have to venture out and when I do, that porch will be there to guide me.

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