It really shouldn’t be so difficult to do good for one’s self. Should it? I’m at that step now, in therapy, where we are trying to recognize the good and go forward with it. One of the “do good” steps is to lose weight, but something is holding me back. I know that it would be healthier for me to do so. I know that I would feel better about myself, though, truthfully, I should feel good about myself right now, body weight and all.
Losing weight isn’t just about losing weight. It’s about breaking down some of the barriers that I have built with it. Granted there are some physical ailments that play havoc with my attempts at losing weight, but, most of it is in the mind. It’s those barriers that I am attempting to get past.
What is this weight protecting me from? For one thing, I barricade myself inside. I rarely go out for worry of what others will think. In some ways it is totally self-centered of me to think that people even care what I look like. Why should they? Everyone has their own thoughts and problems. They are going on with their daily lives, not thinking that, “wow, Britt is really fat!”.
Back when I was a teen and entered a psych unit, they asked me what I liked and didn’t like about myself. I was to list it in columns on a piece of paper. It occurs to me that, even then, it was physical attributes that I was focused on. Goodness forbid it was anything like personality. As it was, I liked everything physical about myself, just not together.
Not much has changed since then. I am always amazed with people who society would deem less than perfect, who have self-confidence in themselves and are not swayed by the ignorance or opinions of others. I want to be that person.
There was a brief time in my life that I was that person. It lasted less than a year, but I remember it clearly. I was only slightly overweight when I started exercising and eating well(not like an anorexic person). I lost the weight, but even before that, I grew confidant in myself. I honored myself. Everything, even the so-called bad parts of me. I would even go as far as saying that I loved myself. I want to be there again.
Here we are again. Trying to find a way not to beat myself up. Right now, I’m focused on the weight, but, if it wasn’t the weight, I’m sure I would find something else(my thinning hair, the wrinkles around my eyes). It really shouldn’t be like that. I realize that. As I find my way back to that Britt, I will share that with all of you. This isn’t going to be an easy process. I’m bound to fight it like I know I already am. It really shouldn’t be this hard, but it is.