“You are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your way”
Jennifer J. Freeman
I have been falling backward. Almost all of the work I have done to think positive, to work past the sadness, has diminished. I have been immobile. Part of it is because of my illness. The other part is due to my depression. They are intermingled. Where does one end and the other begin? I have been trying to figure this out.
My brain thinks differently, this I know. I want it to think positive and move forward, but it refuses. I read affirmations without being able to apply them to me. I can encourage others. Why don’t I find encouragement for myself?
Where does the thought process of the brain begin? I do not know what leads me to not like me at times. I am not a bad person. I have not, intentionally, hurt anyone. Yet, my thoughts betray me. I do not feel hope for myself. I am frozen, living here like my life has ended, but knowing I have many years ahead of me.
I see people going around and living. They have joy and sorrow. They go through their life, doing their job, taking care of their children, going shopping. How do they do this? I want my head to think like this. How to not be overwhelmed, that is what I need to know. I need to know how to get around. When they were first adjusting my meds, I had that moment. I actually went into an establishment and I did not feel overstimulated. It was an awesome feeling.
I feel trapped in my house. Mostly I am trapped in my mind. As much as some people can not understand a person like me, I am unable to understand them. I see you living fairly freely and I am awestruck. How do they do that? Don’t they have the apprehensions that I do? Am I mad? Perhaps.
I searched the web for social anxiety and the fear of leaving one’s house. I found there are more people out there who think like me. I am not alone. Some of their fears relate to trauma, or annihilation that occurred when they were younger. Many of them were introverted to begin with. All of them seem to realize, however normal it seems to them, it is not what society would call normal. They realize how irrational the fear can be, but they struggle to get beyond it.
All of the forums that I read, the people were trying to get beyond it. Therapy, medication, putting themselves in situations to desensitize them from the fear. What worked for one did not necessarily work for the other. Some of the people tried to push themselves but were unable to. I personally know people who would think this is a weakness of character. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier for a person to get through it. The cycle starts again.
At what point does your past stop effecting your present? I’ve seen plenty of people who say they have moved beyond but their actions say otherwise. I know the traumas that have occurred over my lifetime, but, are they truly still affecting me? Are they holding me back? Is it years of thinking so little of my worth that keeps me in this immobile state?
My head is programmed to think this way. I am not sure how it happened anymore then I am sure how others are able to not think this way. There is no one to blame. I take responsibility for it even as I am wondering why my thoughts veer toward the darkness. I have worked hard not to think this way. I have tried to free my mind, but, like others, I have not been successful. Even in the light, darkness will creep in. It is the bad angel sitting on my shoulder whose voice is stronger than the good angel.
I do not understand this fear of leaving my surroundings. I don’t pretend to. I can rationalize it, but it doesn’t make sense to me. What am I afraid of? Maybe that people will see me as I see me, and right now, that is not a good thing.