“It sucks that we miss people like that. You think you’ve accepted that someone is out of your life, that you’ve grieved and it’s over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you’ve lost that person all over again.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass

Have you ever lost a relationship without knowing why? I have. I have felt the helplessness one feels without the answers needed to quell the hurt. True, there is the chance of knowing why a person stepped out of your life will hurt, but it could not hurt as much as the silence has. Not knowing, I believe, hurts you more. You are left with wonder. You are left to your imagination of what the reason could be. Unless you are the type of person who can cut out those thoughts, you are left with pain. The reasons, or worse, the lack of reasons, spin uncontrollably in your head. I am not sure if it is luck or being unlucky if the tears should begin to fall.

I definitely have had my end of relationships, business or otherwise, in my lifetime. Most of the time, though I feel their loss, I’m able to move on because I know what happened. Whether it be them, myself, or both, I know why it ended. I’m left with closure. I may grieve, but I understand. I can accept, sometimes begrudgingly, but I can move on. This doesn’t mean it is easy. Losing anyone who seems to be an integral part of your life is never easy. At least you know why, though, you can grieve and understand the tears. Right now, I can’t understand the tears.

I know, logically, the people cutting themselves out of my life may have more to do with them than with myself. They may be going through something difficult and believed it would be easier without me by their side. They may have assumed something about me, about our relationship, that is putting distance between us. It may have nothing and everything to do with me. Being logical about this, so early in my sense of loss, is not helping. I may have broken something, but, as long as I don’t know what it was or is, I can not fix it.

Instead my head, perhaps my heart, begins to betray me. What once felt like a strong woman is broken into pieces. I should not allow another person to hold this much control over how I feel about myself, but I have. It has begun to affect my health. I am feeling the loss without answers. My head is seeking the answers, but it isn’t finding any. So many questions. No answers. I can’t answer for another.

I have to remind myself that I am a strong woman. I may feel fragile, but I am strong. I have, after all, made it through greater losses. Losses more permanent than this. I need to quell the voices in my head. The ones left with wonder as to what I may have done wrong. If tears must flow, then let them flow. Grieve the loss. Realize it as a relationship that will no longer breathe. I must move on, no matter how much the voices gathered in my head tell me to hold on.

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